Depression awareness week is from 26th April to 3rd May 2014. I've wanted to share my story for a long time, its something I struggle to look back on even now. As its Depression awareness week I wanted to tell you my story.
My story started fourteen years ago, it wasn't just one thing that set me off it was a bundle of experiences which tore me apart. Back then I didn't have the Internet and was too scared to tell anyone how I was feeling so I felt really alone. One night I accidentally dropped a plate on picking it up I cut my hand. The feeling from the cut was odd and really hard to explain, but my head suddenly felt clear. A few days later I actually smashed a glass, so I could keep a piece. That's when it all began, I started self harming four days of smashing that glass. my self harming lasted a very long six years. After reading some stories on self harming, I wasn't an excessive harmer, my scars are visible but they don't cover me completely. I only did it when I felt really stressed out and my head feeling so heavy it would explode.
I get asked why I did it and my only answer is my self harming wasn't for attention ( I covered it up very well) I didn't want to kill myself either. To me it was a release and a way of me feeling normal again. I didn't want to feel what I felt so I was able to remove the negatives in a extreme way.
I stopped when I was pregnant with my first child, something changed in me and I knew I wasn't alone anymore. I have something always to love. I say to my son all the time he is my utter hero, he saved me from myself and for that I can only ever repay him in love. For without him I don't know where I would be now. Motherhood has been hard struggle and after my son I did suffer with postnatal depression see my post HERE.
I've always felt up and down but realise now this is a part of life. Ive realised people cope with things in such different ways and its how we come out at the end. Being stuck in a spiderweb of your own thoughts can sometimes be hard to shake yourself out of.
I've found a new way of release, writing. I have so many things Ive written which I look back on or just delete. It great just to get it all down and off your chest, it does feel amazing. Every day I look at myself and feel so ashamed of what I did, but I can say I'm a SURVIVOR!!
Would love anyone to link up with any stories they want to share.