Friday, 8 July 2011

Struggles of being a mummy.

Well i never imagined that i would have felt the way i did after the birth of my son, just a few weeks after he was born. I felt the most amazing love for this most beautiful thing in front of me, but i really didn’t feel connected what was the hell was wrong with me.
Was it finding out at 26 weeks that i was going to be a mum, then a whole month in denial? Was it not having enough time bonding while he was in me or maybe that he wouldn’t latch on with breastfeeding, nope that was my fault because i had failed?  After three months of feeling like an awful mom, why couldn’t i get it? I’ve worked with children all my life it’s so easy or they do is, eat, sleep, burp and poo how hard can a baby be.

Why did he cry as soon as my partner left for hours on end, he hated me i know he did...? All that was going thought my head all i wanted to do is lock myself in a room away from him for his sake.... I stayed in my pjs most days with the curtains closed. Why did i do this my weekends was normally filled of drinking and dancing i wasn’t ready!  Oh why didn’t i find out sooner!

It took me another two weeks until i went and spoke to my doctor about how i was feeling, i went in a flood of tears before i even spoke. That day she diagnosed me with postal natal depression, i remember crying all the way to the chemist it was such a huge relief.. Ahhh it wasn’t my fault i did love him and his loves me, I remember crying before taken my anti-depressant and thinking i hope i don’t get hooked on these if they even work that is.
Also he was crying at the same time every day because of colic, he was in pain he wasn’t crying because he hated me. Why didn’t i pick it up sooner? The broken jigsaw is all falling into place i am stronger that this i can do it.

I started going out and even found a part time job; i was feeling more like me. I also was bonding everyday more and more, how much i was oozing being a mum it was such a fantastic feeling!

I never imaged how hard & stressful it would be the first 6 months would be, but after realising it wasn’t my fault it made it so much easier building and building. Not a day goes past when i don’t feel guilty about the things i thought but i can’t change that now. My aim is to be the best mom i can be i am not perfect i can get annoyed and shout but i try and i try damn hard, no one can ever say I haven’t.

So three and a half years went by when we decided to have another, my first initial feeling was i don’t ever want to feel like that again. I hope it doesn’t happen! When i saw them two lines i knew instantly it wasn’t going to happen. I felt like shouting it off the rooftops, well actually i did Facebook!! Ha-ha.

Seeing her little face, made me feel like the luckiest women on Earth!! NO i am the luckiest women in the world I’ve been blessed with two healthy children. I love being a mum. With no days off, bags like Santa’s sack under my eyes, always skint, the mess.... The list is endless really as they say a mom’s work is never done. But i am proud to say my biggest achievement in my life is my children.... I can’t wish for anything else. Raiden made me such a better person the person i am today and he with never know how much. For that i can never thank him enough, but to show unconditional love

                            My two Angels

1 comment:

  1. It's nice to read another honest blog post about PND. I don't really remember the first year of my first childs life because I was sucked into life as a zombie. My brain has chosen to delete most of the memories because I was in a bad place. I blamed myself for everything! My baby just would not sleep, would not breastfeed...more mums should blog about their PND experience! x